There we were
standing by the water,
the stream rolling by
over and around obstacles;
a limb.
You said, “What now?”
I said I loved you.
You said, “Is it time?”
A child answered
yes.
You bent to kiss me then,
and kiss me again.
your lips were soft.
I fell into you
and the frothing, watery
turbulence.
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4 comments:
Or, I could say in the last stanza:
"I fell into you and the watery
turbulence."
So that each stanza has the same number of lines.
Suggestions?
I like the extension of the stanza, because of the imagery--frothing, watery turbulence. It extends the image...
does that make sense?
"A child answered yes..." That's beautiful E, it doesn't get any better than that. I don't think I have any suggestions. If I had written this - and I wish I had - I probably would have edited 'a limb' out because for some reason I don't want it there. But that's pretty subjective. As far as frothing is concerned, I like it precisely because it's asymmetrical, kind of like -- well, you know, frothy stuff.
I find myself "taken out of" the piece when I read the word limb, but otherwise, this is lovely. I read "a child said yes" as a younger and innocent self, standing on a precipice and about to dive into its adult self, all of the complication, etc.
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